Thursday, April 20, 2006

Wishing for a "magical" swimsuit

I had a rough day yesterday so when Jimmy got home from work he let me get out of the house for a while. These excursions can be bittersweet. "Sweet" because I can regain my sanity that was taken away from me bit by bit all day long. But, "bitter" because I usually come back to the "real world" with some type of purchase.
Last night was no different. While eating a nine piece order of chicken fries and slirping down a coke icee from Burger King I decided that this was probably not too good for me. No wonder I haven't seen a difference in my weight or shape after jogging for the past two weeks. I'm still eating crap! Duh! So, I left Burger King swearing off the junk for a while.
On to Kohl's. What a great store. I didn't have the kids with me last night, so I took advantage of it. I looked at every single rack they had in that store. I came to the swimsuits and decided "what the heck". I picked out a few and walked hesitantly to the dressing room. The whole way there I was thinking to myself, "What are you stupid. Do you really think these are gonna look good on you. Do you think they're "magical" swimsuits or something. Maybe if you put one on all the flab and stretchmarks on your pale white thighs will just disappear." POOF! GONE! I really think that is what I was hoping would happen.
Ok, so I'm in the dressing room with one of the 5 swimsuits on and I'm completely mortified at my reflection. I mean I knew it wasn't gonna be pretty, but I hadn't prepared myself for "totally horrifying"! Why am I doing this again? Someone please remind me. Why do swimsuits have to even exist? Can't the human race get away with never having to go into the water? I mean what if we brought back those cool swimsuits from the 40's and 50's. You know, the ones that almost cover every inch of your skin. They brought back bell bottoms and platform shoes. Let's bring back the old swimsuits. They could modernize them a little bit, and I bet those things would be flying off the shelf! Ok, maybe not. Whatever!
Well, after trying on all five of the suits I decided that the one pictured was the least "horrifying". Don't get me wrong, it still looks awful, but I figured it would give me a goal. The "swimsuit" goal. We've probably all attempted the "swimsuit" goal at least once in our life. If not, your day is coming so brace yourself.
I think if I didn't have small children that are about to be begging me to go to the pool in a few weeks I could get away with not having to purchase the stupid thing. But that's not the case. I have three little midgets wanting to swim. And not one of them knows how to swim, so I can't just tell them to go get in the water and leave me to sit on the lounge chair under my beach towel. No! That would be too easy. Instead, I have to walk all three of them to the water and stay there with them. Thus, visually scarring each and every set of eyes on the way. Sorry folks!
It has to stop. I'm putting my foot and the cupcakes down!

Monday, April 17, 2006

What's wrong with this picture

Directions: How many things can you find wrong with this picture? Circle them.

Does anyone know what's wrong with this picture? I can tell you exactly what's wrong with this picture. This is not a real mom and this is definitely not her kid. Does the advertising world really think that this is what it is like to go grocery shopping with your kids? I think they must be in denial. Let me tell you all what it is really like to go grocery shopping with your kids.

1. "Pseudo mom and child"
First, let me just point out the obvious, this "pseudo" mom only has one "pseudo" child with her at the store. And this "pseudo" child is obviously a good little actress, because she appears to be content with staying right with her "pseudo" mother. Ahh, how sweet! Come back to reality folks! This photo does not reveal the whole truth.
2. The Smile
If this were a "real" mother she would definitely not be as "chipper" as she appears. We all know that even the thought of grocery shopping is enough to put us into a deep dark depression. I would rather spend a week eating pancakes, and tuna fish than make out the "list" and go to the store.
3. Kid pushing cart
What? What mom in her right mind would actually let the child push the cart. Does she have unlimited amounts of money and patience? Has she never heard of the saying, "You break it, you buy it!"? I think I let Peyton push the cart one time...for maybe 4 seconds...something broke...and I bought it! Fun!
4. No screaming baby
Yup, you couldn't put your finger on it could you. Not only is there "one" child, that child is like 5 or 6 years old. Where's the screaming infant sitting in the front of the germ infested cart? You know the one that you try to calm down by opening anything and everything you can find in your cart before you even buy it. Oh, you know you've done it. How many times have you put the open box of Ritz crackers or the half empty bottle of juice on the conveyor belt. I'm not too proud to admit it.
5. The List
I don't know about y'all, but either this mom forgot her list and is having to remember her list by visual memorization, or she gave up trying to piece it together after her infant shredded it and ate items 6-13 on the list.
6. Overflowing cart
Surely, this woman is just getting started. I mean where is the cold jug of milk that is squeezed in next to the baby. Or the piles of food strategically balanced on top of each other based on weight and temperature. I don't see the three loaves of bread or the 4 boxes of cereal that you have to buy in order to make each child (including husband) happy. The picture is not willing to show you the bottom of the cart where you have stuffed the 24 rolls of Charmin and the huge box of Cheer. Don't forget the 8 roll pack of paper towels that you have to purchase everytime you go to the store. How many paper towels can a family of 5 use in a day? If you only knew.

I could go on, but I don't want to depress anyone. Can you tell that I am just trying to put off the inevitable. Tonight I convinced Jimmy to order a pizza. Maybe I can get away with the pancakes tomorrow night. I'll let you know. In the mean time, mothers, do yourself a favor and wait for "Daddy" to get home or pay for a babysitter when going grocery shopping. It's just not worth the misery!